{"id":12499,"date":"2018-04-06T08:28:31","date_gmt":"2018-04-06T07:28:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/archive.richardlittledale.co.uk\/?p=12499"},"modified":"2018-04-06T08:31:48","modified_gmt":"2018-04-06T07:31:48","slug":"not-jumping-the-fence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/2018\/04\/06\/not-jumping-the-fence\/","title":{"rendered":"Not jumping the fence"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another postcard from the land of grief<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Occasionally in this new land of mine,\u00a0 I catch sight of the suitcases I used to use when travelling. They are far more than I shall ever need for one, and I look wistfully at a sunhat perched on top of them which no-one will ever wear again. These are bags for those who travel, not for those who stay.<\/p>\n

There are other bags, though, which I have packed many times in these past five months. I pack them in a hurry, like a character in a film storming out of their life and heading for the airport.\u00a0 I pack them as if I have had enough of living in this strange place called grief and I would like to go home, thank you very much.\u00a0 This experiment in living alone has been interesting, and on some days I have survived it better than I thought possible.\u00a0 However, enough is enough, and now it is time to go back to being married, just like I have been for the past 30 years.\u00a0 I crave the easy familiarity of routines honed over the years and a companionship so deep as to be instinctive.<\/p>\n

Thoughts trailing like a stray sleeve caught in the suitcase lid, I head for the border of this land and demand to be let through.\u00a0 Sadly, I cannot pass.\u00a0 The border is sealed, the guards are impervious, and my ticket was non-returnable and one way.\u00a0 I live here now.\u00a0 Bag tucked under my arm, I head disconsolately back, and stow it away for next time.<\/p>\n

This is a process which is likely to repeat many times, I think \u2013 like a dog running time and time again at a high fence before realising it cannot be jumped.\u00a0 However, as with every trip away from home \u2013 it looks slightly different each time you return.\u00a0 Each time I come back from the border with that suitcase, ready to stash it away, I see the house just a little differently.\u00a0 I move things around, I update old things, I act like I am intending to stay here.\u00a0 Like a person with no passport, I start to think how I can make a life here<\/em> rather than pining for there<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Family are a huge help \u2013 constant in their love, and unchanged from the way they were.\u00a0 They live here, as well as there, it turns out.\u00a0 Friends are a blessing \u2013 kind, patient, standing by but never pushing in.\u00a0 The value of my faith is incalculable \u2013 lending light to the darker days and hope to the deeper valleys.\u00a0 Even if I did not choose to live here, there are ways to make it work and people who are willing to help.<\/p>\n

Not ready to pack those ‘go-bags’ away quite yet – but maybe one day.<\/p>\n

\"shadowz\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Another postcard from the land of grief Occasionally in this new land of mine,\u00a0 I catch sight of the suitcases I used to use when travelling. They are far more than I shall ever need for one, and I look … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[116,1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12499"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12499"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12499\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12502,"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12499\/revisions\/12502"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12499"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12499"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/176.32.230.12\/richardlittledale.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12499"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}